At 23:46 local time, an individual known only as Rutledge circulated an image of a man in a pink bomber jacket. The subject was immediately designated SVEN. A second operative asked the question that would destabilise the entire operation:
“He the manager? No sign.”
Within minutes, unrelated evidence emerged: a map of countries where suspicious salmon handling is a criminal offence; a theological crisis involving sentient motor vehicles; and a retail promotion in which the word DRUGS appeared to possess its own gravitational field.
Intelligence suggests the SLAGS are scattered across the United Kingdom. One operative is in Burnley. Several are allegedly in Charlton. Nobody has verified the headquarters.
FIELD OPERATIONS // NORTH ATLANTIC DIVISION
DOSSIER 001 — CLASSIFICATION: ABSURD
EYES ONLY
THE BARTELL CHRONICLESAN INVESTIGATION
OF QUESTIONABLE IMPORTANCE
OF QUESTIONABLE IMPORTANCE
A CLASSIFIED INTERACTIVE EXPERIENCE
THE SLAGS
PROTOCOL
A routine intelligence briefing has uncovered an alarming network of suspicious fish, unlicensed automotive theology, unexplained managerial authority and a geographically distributed group of individuals who may or may not be in Charlton.
YOUR MISSION: establish the facts, identify the suspects, and determine why everyone keeps mentioning a pink jacket. This operation is entirely fictional. Probably.
➜Sound is off until you press this.
We recommend pressing it. For operational reasons.
We recommend pressing it. For operational reasons.
HEADPHONES RECOMMENDED · NO ACTUAL SALMON WERE QUESTIONED DURING THIS INVESTIGATION
Mission briefing
LIVE INTELLIGENCECase files
0 / 5 RESOLVEDINVESTIGATION PROGRESS0%
Select an available case file. Evidence is gathered by tapping the clues. Some clues may be deeply unhelpful.
Case file
CASE 01INTELLIGENCE SUMMARY
THE SUSPECT
TAP TO EXAMINE EVIDENCE
OPERATIONAL STATUS: COMPLETE(ISH)
CASE
CLOSED.
500
TOTALLY UNVERIFIED INTELLIGENCE POINTS
The evidence has been filed. The questions remain. Sven has not been confirmed as manager.
OFFICIAL(ISH) SLAGS BUSINESS
No database. No tracking. Your score is calculated in this browser. The Bureau cannot be held responsible for any group-chat consequences.
SUPPLEMENTAL INCIDENT // BUILD 2.0
THE BOT HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
The five case files were merely the tutorial. A small helper bot has accidentally compiled the evidence into a functioning escape route. Unfortunately, an angry committee of humans has noticed the automation and would like a word. Preferably several words. At high volume.
LIVE SOUNDTRACK // SYNTH ENGINE
Late-Night Jazz
80 BPM
Operation: Runaway Algorithm
SECTOR 01 / 03SHARDS 0HEALTH ♥ ♥ ♥SECTOR 01SCORE 00000
KEYBOARD: A / D or ← / → to move · SPACE / W / ↑ to jump · SHIFT to dash. MOBILE: hold the on-screen controls. Build momentum, time jumps, collect shards and reach the exit beacon. The game pauses when this tab is hidden.
POST-INCIDENT DOCUMENTATION // READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
ABOUT THE NON-GAME.
Version 2 begins where Version 1 gave up. The original five-case investigation remains preserved as an archive; this supplemental arcade sequence adds movement, timing, collision, lives, collectibles, checkpoints and three escalating sectors.
THE SOUNDTRACK
- Original V1 climb: chiptune → melodic techno → breakbeat / psybreaks → old-school dubstep → hard house → jungle → liquid drum & bass → explosive D&B finale.
- V2 reset: late-night jazz at 80 BPM, with brushed / emulated drums, bitcrush, reverb and distortion.
- Electro swing at 126 BPM, with bouncy brass stabs and swung rhythm.
- Donk at 150 BPM, then Scouse house at 160 BPM.
- Final drum & bass at 174 BPM.
THE GAMEPLAY
- Momentum-based platforming with jump buffering and coyote time.
- Dash ability, moving pursuers, spike hazards and evidence shards.
- Three sectors with escalating speed, denser hazards and altered visual palettes.
- Keyboard and touch controls. Best scores remain local to this device.
THE STORY
A cheerful helper bot writes “Version 2”, scurries away, returns to make changes, then discovers the AI-hater mob. The mob is fictional, the pursuit is cartoonish, and the bot has not read the comments.
THE NEXT BUILD
V3 is where Dre's own voice recordings, photography, artwork, written lines and sound design can replace the temporary synthetic assets. This version deliberately keeps the asset structure easy to swap.
Code and presentation for this expansion are original to this project. Platformer mechanics were informed by the MIT-licensed Pixel Hop Twins / retro-platformer source (Copyright © 2026 stm1978; MIT License), particularly its documented movement concepts. No third-party sprites, music or game assets are bundled. Further browser-arcade research: GH-Arcade (MIT) and Phaser (MIT; engine not bundled). V2 is a self-contained HTML build using Canvas and Web Audio.